Tuesday, May 10, 2016

Victim Mentality: Part 1

For a final paper for one of my classes I had to write about Ben Carson's theory on victim mentality. I felt so vulnerable writing this. I'll share this in parts because even though the semester is over this piece is still incomplete. Take a look...

I believe I have a victim mentality. While reading this paper a reader can see the presence of the victim mentality.

I'm just not as motivated as I used to be. I over think and become overwhelmed. I don't ask for help until it's too late. But when I express my issues I'm told to suck it up and stop making excuses. When I am motivated if I get rejected after so many times I give up. Rejection doesn't motivate me it puts more fear in me. It causes me to doubt myself. I can list numerous writing opportunities I passed because of fear. There are assignments I missed in class because of my fear of red markings. I had such high hopes for myself entering Florida A&M University. Now as I get ready to walk across the stage I am disappointed in myself. As much as it seems I have accomplished, I let fear dictate my life at FAMU.

There are two situations I believe have given me this lackadaisical mentality. Spring 2013 I would get welts almost every night not knowing why. The previous semester I suffered the loss of several family members and I found out my dad lost his job. So fast forward to the spring semester and I'm trying my best to stay on top of everything. I was rejected from an organization even though I believed I was a great candidate. I guess I wasn't as great as I thought I was. (I later realized God had different plans.) So throughout the semester I was getting welts every night. I was thinking it was an allergic reaction of some sort. One night I fell asleep watching movies with my then boyfriend. He woke me up in the middle of the night because I was shaking. It took me at least 30 minutes to stop shaking. Waking up shaking uncontrollably was the final straw. I set up an appointment with FAMU’s clinic. The end result was stress was the cause of welts and shaking was my body's way of protecting me while alerting me it needs rest. So I vowed to never overwork myself in such a way to jeopardize my health. Now I feel like I went completely on the opposite side of the work spectrum. Out of fear of jeopardizing my health, if I felt like any activity or academic work load would stress me out I would neglect the job. Or I would do enough just to get by. I would use the excuse I'm protecting my health. My intent was to protect my health but good intentions does not equal good actions or results. Looking at my transcript will reflect that mentality. I was using my health as a crutch. Some people pull all nighters and take caffeine pills. They have the mentality by any means necessary. Me on the other hand.

To be continued...

Relax, Relate, Release,


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