Pulling Back to Push Forward

January 2, 2014 - My boyfriend for the past 2.5 years broke up with me.

January 6, 2014 - I started a new semester of school taking 15 credit hours in order to keep my scholarship. Within this semester I joined two new organizations and my work hours per week for my on campus job went from 10 to 20.

Summer 2014 - I was a Peer Counselor for incoming freshmen taking summer classes.

August 24, 2014 - My ex-boyfriend tells me he's beginning a new relationship. It's been like a love triangle since we broke up in January. I had been trying to "win him back" for months.

August 25, 2014 - Another 15 credit hour semester begins. This was my first season working with the football team. Might I add we had a game the first week of school. Of course practices start during the summer. Matter of fact within a week of finishing the summer counseling program I began working with the team. My campus job transferred me to another location and I began working the evening shift 10 hours a week after practices.

January 2, 2015 - I received a text about my ex being married. I had just found out after Christmas that his girlfriend was pregnant.



January 7, 2015 - Yet another 15 credit hour packed semester begins. I joined another organization and was still working for the football team so that means spring practices for the spring game. I'm still working 10 hours a week.

Summer 2015 - I'm registered for 3 classes. They're all classes that I'm retaking so I can graduate December 11, 2015.

Seems like I did a pretty good job moving forward from the bomb of a breakup and the debris that followed. That timeline is only a snippet of what happened. But hey you can't tell it all in one day. Let's get back to summer 2015.

June 3, 2015 - I checked myself into a mental health clinic and was diagnosed with major depression. This was not my favorite place to be but it was a learning experience. It was great to be in some solitude. I had no choice but to unplug from the outside world.

Hindsight is 20/20. Like I said the timeline is only a snippet. It doesn't include all the arguments, fights, and tears. It doesn't include late nights of me asking God "Why me?" "How could this happen to me?" It doesn't include the day I pulled a knife up to my ex. It doesn't include the days I sliced my wrists. Shoot it doesn't include the many conversations of us trying to be friends after all of the craziness. With all that was going on in my life I should have taken one of those semesters off from school. The journaling I had been doing wasn't cutting the deal. It helped but I needed some solitude.

I didn't take a semester off because the thought of shame weighed on my shoulders. The shame of taking a break from school over a breakup. The shame of taking a break and having to push graduation back. I didn't want to lose my scholarship so I had to take 15 credit hours and keep my GPA above a 3.0. I didn't want to lose my job because it paid good and I had to be 3.0 student to keep my job.

I learned that sometimes we have to pull back to push forward. I was only trying to push forward. I wasn't resting. Without rest I wasn't effective in my academics and social life. After joining my organizations I went ghost. I was not around; I wanted to be by myself. Have you ever been in a room full of people and felt alone? That's how I became once I joined organizations. I have had to retake classes; some of them several times. It's funny my sophomore year I was in a class with a young man who was taking the class for the third time. I thought to myself "How?" Well God surely answered how. Life happens is the answer. I was so worried about losing my scholarship but it runs out after four years. So even now I don't have the scholarship from the university. I was concerned about losing my job because I wasn't a student anymore but you have to keep your GPA above 3.0. I wasn't focused in class and wasn't doing my work. My GPA fell below a 3.0. I am now jobless and graduation has definitely been pushed back. By not taking a rest I added more to my plate. It's okay though because everything works together for the good of those who love the Lord.

Holding everything in and not taking a break was the equivalent of me auditioning for the show Snapped. I wasn't dealing with my feelings. Sometimes I felt like people would not let me deal with my feelings. "Forget him." "F**k that N***a" Clearly easier said than done. You don't just forget about someone and I can't erase 2.5+ years out of my life. "You have to keep going, you can't stop." I need rest or I won't be effective moving forward. "People have it worse than you." Trust me I know someone has it worse than me. But you know what? I also have it worse than someone. When people say that it makes someone feel guilty for having feelings. Like let me feel what I feel. The Bible says to sin not when angry. So evidently there is going to be a time in my life when I become angry. This was that time. I felt angry, hurt, bitter, embarrassed, betrayed and so much more. I wasn't trying to have a pity party but I did have emotions that need to be handled.

I never pulled back so I can properly move forward. I never took the time to properly deal with my emotions.  

 The below clip describes my feelings throughout this experience.

Tina of Mary Mary Breaks Down

It took a lot of courage for me to be just a little transparent with you. I'd like to take the time to applaud Jay Shaw and Shay Shaw. Twin classmates of mine. They both shared their testimonies with the world and it is so beautiful. It's amazing how God works. It actually motivated me to share a part of my testimony. Check out Shay's story on her blog "A Mama's True Mission" and Jay's is posted below.

I want to encourage those of you going through a tough time to talk with God and do what's best for you. Do not worry about what anyone else has to say. If I continued to worry about what others think I wouldn't have went to the mental health clinic. If I continued to worry about what others think I wouldn't be sharing this testimony with you. I now know in tough times to act as if I am an arrow in a bow. The further it pulls back the farther it shoots outs.

Relax, Relate, Release,

~BreAllyse